oh hi

Hi.

So I’ve been missing from here lately..

I’ll give you a list of what’s up. Cause I wanna procrastinate and avoid doing real life things, duh.

1. I’m home.  And I’m in the process of organizing a semi-permanent move back home at the end of the month.  I gave my 30 days notice almost two weeks ago but for some reason putting in dates for utilities and trying to find a moving truck makes it all much more real.  I’ve had mixed feelings about all this.  In some ways I feel I’ve failed, in other ways I’m accepting of it and see it as a chance to refocus and get.a.dang.job.  Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll ramble more on this whole process in time.  It’s bound to drive me a little bonkers soon enough.

2. My home internet hates this website.  I have no idea why but it does.  So the fact that I’m writing this is sort of miraculous.  Yeah, totally.

3. I’ve been riding my bike a lot and trying to take as many walks as I can stand.  I’ve seen so many deer, bunnies, Warblers, a freaking woodpecker?! (I always hear and never see them), and the lonely heron today!  It’s the loveliest thing just being surrounded by so much green and hearing birds and the rustling of leaves all around.  I missed it, a lot.

4. It’s May and it’s like FORTY DEGREES OUT.  What up PA?!  I had to wear gloves this morning and I turned my heat on.  I don’t even want to talk about it.

5. I made this and this and this recently.  All were delicious and completely recommended. The oatmeal bars were way more gooey than expected and er — not complaining.  Nom.  That cake? I toasted my coconut (and let it cool) prior to putting it in the Cool Whip, do it.  It elevates the taste and gives even more texture to a lovely texturized cake! I think I just made up the word texturized.  Go with it?

6. We had a sort of girls day yesterday.  I made us all dinner and dessert. Spaghetti and meatballs with a lovely salad, garlic toast, and that cake for dessert!  We played this game. My Grandma is so darn snarky still,  I love it. 

7. What else? Hm.  We’ve been continuing our Classic Movie Nights.. Recent viewings included High Society and An Affair to Remember. I enjoyed both of them, but I have a weird love for Bing Crosby so I think High Society wins out.  And Louis Armstrong, you can’t beat that!

8. Still job searching.  It still sucks.

9. Oh, and that’s the thing I’ve been procrastinating doing.  Best get back to that.  

Ciao for now!

 

don’t worry, be happy.

today:

i am still at home. (since last thursday, and it’s been lovely.)

i accidentally took a nap today. (i don’t even know why but i feel so whooped today!)

i got a ‘no’ on a job app today, one that i was genuinely interested in. (ah well, c’est la vie.)

it’s been awfully rainy most of today — on the plus side, i did get a nice nature walk in despite the may flies!  they are the worst around the creek this time of year.  and to be honest i don’t remember them this bad in recent times.  

i spent some of yesterday reading through my old journals.  i listened to music a lot while ‘journaling’ back in the day.  and i seemed to remember very well that i was even worse at journaling back then than i am now.  thankfully this typing business encourages that a bit more often.

i’m feeling an itch to get started sewing something/do something with an old bulletin board but i’m not sure what to do for either!  

i want to take another nap.  or i’ll just have a cup of tea.  that works.

 

and lastly, from lately:

 

a daisy bloom from the flowers next door (our home is attached to my home parish next door — and my mom regularly takes care of watering plants ,etc.)  she was excited to announce to me that they’d decorated with my favorite flower this year.  :)

 

 

on a nature walk, i took this of some forsythia lining some otherwise unadorned grass.  i’ve quickly become infatuated with forsythia.  it’s probably the yellow hue.  but it’s lovely to see it everywhere.  

 

 

let it be

I’ve been thinking.

Okay, I have a whole of time to think.

Which is the best and worst thing at times, right? Right.

But anyways, I’m stuck at this juncture in my life where I don’t know what’s next for me, as you obviously know at this point.  Cause I tend to talk about it a lot. Yeah, sorry about that.  But, it is my reality, and we write about what we know, well right now this is what I know.

I watched this video last night after my friend sent it my way. [which of course I cannot now find]  We were just discussing how scary and daunting it is to be in this situation where we’re not sure of what’s next.  She knows exactly how I feel and went through the same thing a good year or so ago, and now she’s back in school for nursing.  Anywhoo– back to the video/topic I was on to.  It basically suggested that we’re often asking the wrong questions of life, of God, the universe, whatever.  And it made me think last night — and again while I was on my short run this morning.  I keep wondering why I don’t have a job yet, why I cannot find the right one, why I’m not getting any responses, why is this process so mentally taxing, why can’t it be over with, etc, etc.  And it made me realize, I need to stop asking so many gosh dang questions and just chill for a sec.  And okay, I’ve been trying to chill for the last like 5 months and it’s been a challenge, let’s be real.  But in this time that I’ve had to chill and just BE, I’ve managed to read a ton of books (okay, 8) but for wanting to do that for so long while in grad school and not feeling like I had the time to dedicate it– that’s sorta big.  And I write so much more on this here blog.  I never thought I’d be posting once or maybe twice a week, and maybe that’s not much to you but for me who has always been terrible at actually keeping a journal consistently, that’s pretty big.  And it’s nice to be a part of a community where I get responses from others that know how I’m feeling, that like what I’m writing, and encourage me to keep on writing.  Because honestly it’s nice to just get those feelings out there and know that others get it.  

So I may have all these questions in my head on a daily basis but I just have to remember what this time has and is allowing for me.  It’s a time in my life that I don’t know how long will last and even though at times it drives me crazy, I think I need to appreciate it and take it all in.  Someday I won’t have this time to read and write or create whenever I want because I’ll have a new job with new responsibilities and new time constraints.  And when that time comes, I will welcome the new opportunity ahead of me, the new routine, the new structure that will be my life.  But right now, I have to create my own structure, my own routine, my own contentedness.  

I won’t lie, I’ll probably ask these same questions of myself, of life, and of God a lot in the future.  Probably tomorrow or maybe next week, but I can work to remind myself that questioning isn’t going to help me right now.  It’s better to have hope and faith that things will come along.  That my anxious need to control things isn’t going to do me any good, but just let it all be as it is, and take it as it comes.     

what is this labyrinth?

So this is the deal.

I’m sitting on my couch in sweatpants and my ‘Reading is Sexy‘ shirt on a Monday afternoon. Cause that’s what the cool people are doing nowadays.  I ate that open-faced egg salad Frank’s red hot combo again.  Don’t you judge me.  For the egg salad business, not the Sexy shirt business.  Duh.  I just set down this book. Because I needed a moment.  Do you ever read a book that makes you say ‘Gosh darnit this is good.’ or ‘Damn, that shit is poetic.’  Cause I’ve said some derivative of those two lines in reference to this author.  

So the weekend, let’s recap.

Friday: I had a minor meltdown in my car [good ol quiet, purrs like a kitten, Alice] re: the whole still unemployed after how many months now (I really do not care to count) and re: the whole ‘I’m sick and tired of not getting responses from like ANY of these dang jobs I’ve applied to in the last like 2 weeks and re: holy freaking heck it’s been over a month since I’ve had any legit responses or interview type things happen on that front.  Re: I hadn’t had a good meltdown/cry in a long while, so it was really necessary to get it all out.

Saturday: A little less freaked out about being poor.  Wanting to make fruit pizzas because of the Pioneer Woman.  Major apartment cleaning/spring cleaning?/getting rid of stuff I don’t wear or is bad/having to dumpster dive to retrieve my car keys all while in my new Steve Madden flats that I adore/ while simultaneously having a small panic attack upon realizing my keys were no longer in my hands but were gracefully sitting atop the bag stuck on the handle which I was able to grab and hold on to for dear life — NEVER AGAIN. PHEW.  

Sunday: Hanging out with my favorite Bonnie. Eating a burger for the second time this weekend, CAUSE I CAN.  Making fun of Victoria’s Secret’s ridiculous prices for nail polish and lip gloss. TEN DOLLARS.  I stop at 5 dollars for my nails’ polish, excuse me.  Those colors were not special.  Ice cream, because we could not resist it.  Worth the last dollars left in my wallet.  (Forget that freaking out about being poor a few days ago, ice cream is worth it.) Try on ridiculously priced Tiffany’s sunglasses, cause I don’t know about you but adorning myself with $500 sun-blocking spectacles worth most of my rent makes me feel better about the fact that I have a roof over my head and not just sun-blocking lenses.  $12 Target shades are fine by me, and who needs to pay $200 to get that UV protection, what makes it cost so much?! You’re not fooling me graphic designer turned Sunglass Hut salesman.  [Sidenote: I don't understand that job transition, but hey, to each his own.]

 

Monday: The reminder that I don’t have an office to go to.. That which kind of discourages me most Mondays. I’ve finally realized, cause I can’t fake it to a stranger that probably thinks I’m in school or working.  Nerrr-oppe. Nope.  Oh, life.  You fickle thing, you.

happy happy happy

One of my new favorite blogs did this and it made me want to create my own.

So here goes!

Hilary’s Happy List

1. Open-faced egg salad sandwiches with a dash of hot sauce — Okay, so maybe this makes my tastebuds happy, but it still counts.  I am currently addicted.  And I just finished hard-boiling some more eggs. Send help.  Or fresh some Jewish Rye, actually.

2. Wearing bright colors — Whether it’s on my toes-ies or fingernails OR a new workout top from Target.  It makes me just feel, better. YA know? The Washed Lime is so much prettier and not two-toned looking like it is in that photo. It’s like a beautiful highlighter.  Trust me.  Also, I got the black/gray one (yes I know that’s not a bright color– but I’ve never been one to wear black and now I am. In fact, I like it!).  And new sports bras. Ah, the colors, I love it.

3. A nice long walk — I do these quite a bit when I’m home and the weather’s decent.  My hometown has a pretty decent set of trails and they always calm me.  Plus the area never fails to remind me of my Dad, in a pleasant way.  I still have yet to find that in my new area, but I’m trying.  I’ll keep ya posted.

4.  Reading — I’m getting heavy into John Green suddenly and I must say I’m in love.  He catches my interest within the first page.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.  I haven’t had to continue to try to get into it. I can’t wait to read more of his books and subsequently for him to write more of them!

5. Driving in my car (Alice) — A week ago, I would never have said this. BUT, Alice (nearly 15 yrs old) well I blame her behavior these past 6 months on being a teenager.  Turns out her rear tires were bad and causing the god awful growling dog sound that would forever give me a headache on the 2 hour trek home.  But now, NOW, she’s like a freaking Prius.  I seriously grin like an idiot because she is so darn quiet.  I think I’ll keep her awhile. Also, I’m making a cake for her 15th birthday this July.  If you knew me personally, this comes as no surprise.  Every day is an occasion for cake.  In my opinion.

 

Gotta go crack some shells, yo.

Gosh, I’m weird.

 

P.S. Bonus points if you get the title of this post’s reference.

 

honestly

Let’s be honest.

Today I’ve felt a lot of random emotions. And it’s not like they were brought on by anything new. So lame, Hilary. So lame.

First of all, I tried job searching. On a Monday.  I should just know better by now.  95% of there’s nothing really new or noteworthy, but I tried it. And it sorta depressed me. And again reminded me that I do not have 5 or more years of experience. Thanks. But then, the book I requested (along four others — some in transit– yay) came in and well hot dang I was already at the library to pick it up. And this note was inside: 

 

Well, that certainly boosted my mood.  Plus, I listened to some good ol fashioned Joy and Tracy for a  bit of a pick-me-up.

I went for a walk. And this:

 

Last time I found a fork, in nearly this same spot. Almost a year ago. Major life things happened then. So is this some funny sign that something big is gonna happen again?  I’m assuming there’s a sense of humor involved, considering it’s a spork this time.  So let’s hope the change is a good one: like a nice job? Please. Please.

Can I just tell you guys? I read this book last week. Oh my, read it.  It was a breath of fresh air.  I honestly loved it from the first page.  I loved everything about it.  I wanted to read it again before I even finished it the first time!  I even slowed down reading it, cause I didn’t want to end it.  And saying that, is big.  I already have my second book of his in my hands (and I’ve already started)..I see the name Margo, so of course I already love it.

I’ll just leave you with some random photos of life lately:

 

Easter: Carrot Cupcakes topped with Cream Cheese Frosting, Toasted Coconut, and Cadbury Eggs. My first time making my favorite cake — crazy, right?!

 

No, I did not carve that.. but if given the chance, I would.

 

Do you ever look up and marvel at the simple, yet completely beautiful things in this world? I do. Quite often.  Sorry if I run into you in the process.

 

a new life

today.